Late Night Thoughts

12 Aug Late Night Thoughts

It’s currently 2:55am as I begin to write this post, the Kehlani Pandora station is on and a Bryson Tiller jam is playing. I really should be sleeping but here I am writing a new post. This is the third night in a row where I am having trouble sleeping and I already know why I can’t sleep- it’s because my boyfriend isn’t here. ¬†After 12 amazing days of being together, falling asleep and waking up in his arms, it feels’s just not the same without him here. This is my first time being in a long distance relationship, I never thought that my next relationship would be LDR but it is and we definitely make the best of it. A lot of people have asked me how we met and I will definitely have a vlog about it with him for you guys. Let me just leave this topic by saying, when you are least looking for truly does find you.<3

With staying up to 3-5am these past few nights it sure has had my mind thinking about a million things- then again when isn’t my brain thinking about a million things. The first thing that my mind thinks about and always think about is how my Mom is doing. This month is the 1.5 year mark. It really doesn’t get any easier but I feel like I have gotten stronger with living with the pain. I know in my heart that she is in a better place and has the best seat to watch over my Dad, my brother and I. JP and I just went to visit her at the Temple this past Thursday. As I walked into the room where her urn is kept and saw her, I couldn’t help but tear up..I always tear up. I still remember when I first introduced JP to my Mom in June, I never in a million years would’ve ever thought that I would introduce my boyfriend to my Mom that way. I really wish JP had the chance to meet my Mom and vice versa. I know for a fact that my Mom would’ve loved JP. He’s such a sweet man and loving to his Mom and Lola- I know he would’ve loved my Mom too. I feel like my Mom left to be an angel in the sky and in return an angel was sent to me through JP. I just have to keep faith knowing that this is the way things are meant to be, that this is His plan. I’ll see you again one day Mom..I miss and love you with all that I have.

Faith. It’s something that has been keeping me going and I know that as long as I keep my faith everything will be okay. My family’s religion is Buddhism in which I do practice and believe in. I also believe in other religions as well. Ultimately I believe that there is one higher being and that we as people see Him in various forms, I personally do not believe that there is a right or wrong in religion. I believe that our lives are already planned out for us, that all of the trials and tribulations we go through- we are meant to go through them. When I was younger I used to question why certain things happened especially when bad things happened but as I got older I began to see life differently and began to see the blessing behind every lesson- especially the hard ones. My hardest lesson of all was losing my Mom but if it didn’t happen- I wouldn’t be the person that I am today. Her death changed me and my life for the better. I see the true value in family, love and life due to her passing. Sometimes the lessons that we receive are hard because if they weren’t we would never learn. After my Mom passed I reevaluated my life and what I wanted out of it. I made the decision to quit my office job and became my own boss again. I began spending more time with family and friends. I started to live a fulfilled life. I would be lying if I said that 2016 has been easy, it’s been a year of trials and tribulations but I’m here and I’m still fighting for my life and happiness. I always remind myself that if I can make it through her death and 2015- there isn’t a fucking thing I can’t get through.

We’re almost half way through August. Eight months into 2016. Summer is almost over; Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas are literally around the corner. Before you and I both know it we will be in 2017. What have you done this year that makes you proud? Have you accomplished goals that you wanted to? Have you been spending time with your family and friends? Did you do anything to help make the world a better place? If you were to die tomorrow, would you be satisfied with the life that you have lived? If you answered no to most or all of these questions, let me ask you- what exactly are you doing with your life? Whether you realize it or not, life is going to pass us by. You have the choice to exist or to live. I pray that you choose to live.

Till next time,
Anne Ph